Working on me

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I’ve been taking a break since my 5th loss in January to really work on myself inside and out. Having that many losses really breaks you down as a woman. When you add my losses, pcos, and infertility, the self loathing was starting to become unbearable. I resented myself and my body to a point that was unhealthy, so for the past while I’ve been actively practicing self love and acceptance. I no longer look in the mirror and see a broken woman. Although my body cannot yet do what nature intended, I still have so much more to offer this world, myself, my husband. I may not be able to carry a baby but my body has done amazing things and taken me on amazing journeys and I’m thankful for that. I have days that are better than others but I’m making an effort to try to love myself every day.

I’ve made some amazing new friends who love and support me. We share similar stories and have found beauty, acceptance, and love in each other. I’ve consciously ended friendships that have been toxic. It’s hard to let go of people you’ve known for years, but you really do see who your true friends are when you go through infertility and pregnancy loss. I no longer have time for people who aren’t in my corner or who deem my problems insignificant. Friendship is a two way street, if I can support you, you can support me, end of story.

I’ve been exercising and trying to eat healthy, but I’ve stopped dieting. I have no clue what I weigh any more (I even looked away last time I was at the hospital) and it’s honestly the most amazing feeling ever. The number on the scale means nothing about who I am or my worth as a person, I can’t believe it took me 28 years to realize that but I’m so thankful I finally did. Some days I eat salad, some days I eat candy and cupcakes and chocolate… Some days I go to the gym, some days I lay on the couch all day watching TLC.  Life is all about balance! I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. It’s so refreshing to look in the mirror and love yourself.

I haven’t given up on my journey to become a mother but this was a very much needed break. I really hope this fresh perspective will benifit me going into my next round of treatments. Sometimes you just need time to step away from it all, pick up the broken pieces of your heart, glue them back together to make something even stronger, and try again.

– Jennifer

Thank you stranger

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Today I overheard a conversation between two strangers that will forever change my life for the better.

I had taken a shower at the gym and I had started to get ready for work. I was blow drying my hair when this woman in a red hat came in and put her stuff into the locker next to me, another woman came over and they started chatting. I usually try not to listen in on conversations but they were standing right next to me, it’s not like I could turn off my ears. The woman in the hat told the other woman about her chemotherapy, she had cancer. I was shocked she was at the gym while going through chemo, I make every excuse under the sun not to go. She’d lost all her hair (the reason for the red hat) and was quite thin. It was obvious chemo had been taking it’s toll on her, but she was still so upbeat and positive. Then she said to the other woman “being healthy isn’t going to prevent bad things from happening to you, but if the bad things do happen being healthy will make it easier to get through.”

Her words hit me really hard. I try to force myself to be healthy, sometimes I fail and sometimes I follow through. So often after a loss or a failed treatment I’ve wanted to sit on the couch, eat fast food, and hide from the world (and I have…). But if I didn’t try to take care of myself then where would I be? Who would I be? It’s not just my physical health that’s important, it’s my mental health too. I’ve been seeing a counselor regularly for well over a year, since my second loss in 2013. I know if I didn’t take care of my mental health I’d spiral into a deep depression. I’ve thought about giving up counseling because of the cost, but after my loss in 2013 I became so depressed I didn’t know who I was any more. I never want that to happen again not just for myself but for my loved ones.

Hearing someone in that position be so upbeat and so positive makes me want to be better. I’m going to make less excuses, I’m going to love me more, I’m going to care about myself the way I should. Infertility and pregnancy loss suck, but I shouldn’t let it ruin my life and who I am as a person. If I treat my body and mind the way they deserve to be treated then maybe the bad things will be a little bit easier to get through.

Thank you stranger ❤

-Jenny

It’s been a while

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Wow… I haven’t posted in months. I haven’t really been feeling up to it lately but I’m in a low place at the moment. I hope talking about what has happened may help. I’ll bring this blog up to speed because my last post was about my FET being canceled.

I found a lump in my neck, I thought it was a swollen gland because I’d had a sore throat but it was in a weird a spot. I stopped at a walk-in clinic just to be sure, I was trying to take my health seriously and stop ignoring going to the doctor. I felt ridiculous because I really thought all was well and I kept saying sorry for wasting her time, but the doctor was actually concerned. She ordered me an emergency ultrasound and I had it the next day. A few days later I spoke to my gp and he told me I had a large complex nodule in the right lobe of my thyroid and I would need to have a biopsy ASAP. My FET was canceled because they were concerned about the possibility of cancer and I was sent to a specialist for a biopsy. The specialist said he I had about a 30% of this nodule being cancerous so of course I was a mess. Thankfully I was in for a biopsy within a week and a half and the tests came back benign. I’m not out of the woods yet, but my chances are now less than 5% and I go for a follow-up in March. The lump is still there but it hasn’t affected my thyroid function, so for now we are leaving it.

Once my tests came back benign we were able to do our FET. We transferred one 5 day blast and found out I was expecting on November 30th. My first beta was good, but then the betas weren’t doubling as well as they liked, they were very worried about another loss. However, when I went in for my 6 week scan we were surprised to see the beautiful flutter of my babies heartbeat. I asked for another scan right before Christmas because of my loss the year before, so they got me in just before 7 weeks. At that appointment we were able to see and hear the heartbeat, it was beautiful.

Christmas was uneventful and we started to think maybe this was going to be it. We went out for dinner on NYE hoping to celebrate what was going to be an amazing new year. Part way through dinner I started cramping severely. We hurried home and I spent the night laying down hoping it was just uterine stretching. I had some sparkling apple juice at midnight, gave my hubby a kiss, and called it a night. When I woke up in the morning I was bleeding, I was 8wks 1d. We weren’t able to get in for a scan until I was 8wks 5d, and when we did the baby was gone.

We’ve been trying for 4.5 years now and I have nothing to show but empty arms and an empty bank account. It’s almost surreal to think I’ve lost 6 children from 5 tragic miscarriages. This can’t be me, this can’t be the person I’ve become?! How did this happen?

Sadly I am the woman who loses babies.

“Behind my smile is a hurting heart.
Behind my laugh, I’m falling apart.
Look closely at me and you will see,
the person I am, isn’t me.”

FET canceled

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I haven’t posted in a while so I thought I should do a quick update. Unfortunately my ultrasound did not come back as nothing so our FET was canceled. We are in the process of trying to figure out what it is, but until we know exactly what we are dealing with we can’t proceed. Once I have all the information I will do a proper update. For the time being I am stuck in limbo land…

-Jenny

Seriously Body?

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I’ve been seeing a counselor who specializes in infertility for a couple months now. I started seeing her when I began my IVF treatment after a particularly bad emotional breakdown I had at my acupuncture appointment. My amazing acupuncturist recommended I see her, and even went so far as to call and talk to her for me. I’m very lucky to have such caring medical professionals in my life.

One of the things we talk about is my fear of going to the doctor or hospital. It’s not that I’m afraid of going, I’ll go if I know that something is seriously wrong with me. My fear is that I may think something is wrong when really I am fine. I’m so afraid of wasting someones time or being that crazy person who is always thinking their sick, so I wait until I’m sure I’m not over reacting. However by that point I’m usually fairly sick and I should have been seen hours or days earlier. I started showing signs of ohss the day after my egg retrieval but I kept brushing it off thinking I was just being a baby, I’m over reacting, maybe I’m just constipated, this happens to everybody. It wasn’t until I could no longer eat and I started having trouble breathing that my husband called the emergency number to my clinic, I finally went in on the Monday (my egg retrieval was on a Thursday) and my doctor gave me crap about waiting so long to come in. I had emailed the clinic once, but I didn’t want to bother them by calling over and over until I spoke to someone. That is just one example of my fear of making a big deal of things, but it is something that is fairly common with me. My counselor wants me to work on taking better care of myself, I shouldn’t have such bad anxiety about wasting someones time. One day something might be really wrong and it’s better to go in and be fine then to ignore the signs and end up very sick.

Wednesday morning I woke up with a bit of a sore throat but I just thought I was getting sick. I went to work and was feeling my neck to see if I had any swollen glands and I found a large lump. The lump is about the size of a ping pong ball if it were cut in half and shoved into my neck, about an inch up from my collar bone on the front right side. I thought it was a weird spot for a lump of that size and I sent my husband a text to see if he had any idea on what it might be. He was pretty upset about it and wanted me to go and get it checked out. Usually in this situation I’d say it’s nothing, I’m fine, don’t worry about it, but I had promised my counselor I’d try not to stress so much about going to the doctor. So I decided to go to the walk in clinic so Craig wouldn’t feel stressed about it (and so I could say I told you it was nothing…). I had figured they would just tell me it was a swollen gland and that nothing was wrong and I was over reacting. So when the doctor said I’m pretty sure that’s your thyroid, and it shouldn’t be swollen up like that, I was quite surprised. She sent me for blood work to check my thyroid function (it’s fine) and ordered an ultrasound of my thyroid. Thankfully they were able to get me in for an ultrasound yesterday but I will not find out the results until Monday. The lump is still there, it’s not going down, but it’s not getting bigger either so I’m taking that as a good sign.

I’m so frustrated and angry at my body right now. I thought I had the next few weeks to be medically left alone. IVF was so invasive and I got so sick, I was really looking forward to the weeks I had before my transfer to let my body be. I’m sure this is probably nothing to be concerned about, but I can’t help but be a little bit worried. I was getting excited for my transfer and I’m beginning to stress that I might have to postpone it if there really is something wrong. Seriously body?

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that this is nothing.

-Jenny

The Only Way To Go Is Up

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I am feeling so much better. I cannot believe how awful the week after my ER was. I never ever want ohss again! I thought I would feel better by the next day after they took my eggs out, boy was I ever wrong… I’m happy to report that my tummy is back to normal again, no more swelling, no more bloat, just my wiggly jiggly self 🙂

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I started my cycle as well, and yesterday I started the birth control pill. Our tentative plan is to take the pill until the end of this month, then I’ll get a period and start estrogen. I go in for a lining check on October 15th, if everything looks all beautiful and squishy inside for our little embryo we will transfer on the 20th. We will be doing single embryo transfers only. Given my past medical history and my uterine shape, multiples would be bad news. My FS said 2 embryos would not increase our chances of pregnancy, just of twins, so one embryo it is.

I’ve been feeling really optimistic the past few days and it’s starting to freak me out a bit. I’m starting to see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m worried there will be a cave in before I get there. I’m so scared that if this doesn’t work I’m going to fall, hard. We’ve been working at this for so long and I’m exhausted, it’s my turn now. I know at the end of the day if this doesn’t work, I’ll pick up the pieces and try again, but every time I break it seems to take me longer to find all the pieces. I’m so ready to close this chapter in our lives and move on. Hopefully I’ll get a Halloween surprise that sticks (sticks being the key word here). These next 6 weeks are going to be hard, but I’ll get through it. Fingers crossed!

-Jenny

OHSS

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Sorry it’s taken me so long to update, I got pretty sick after my egg retrieval and was not up to writing a blog post.

So we had 27 eggs retrieved and 22 of them fertilized normally. We had 12 ICSI embryos and 10 standard ivf embryos on day 1. Unfortunately overnight we lost all of our ICSI embryos and 4 of our standard embryos. We have no idea what happened, but the embryologist and my fertility doctor were very surprised. By day 3 we still had 6 embryos so we decided to grow them to day 5. On day 5 we had 4 good quality blasts that we froze. I had to do a freeze all cycle because they were really worried about me getting OHSS.

Even with them coasting my drugs and giving me medication to try and prevent it, I still got OHSS. My retrieval was on Thursday, and by Saturday I could hardly move. My stomach had swollen up huge and I was in a lot of pain. On Sunday I started to have a hard time breathing and my ribs hurt. Craig called the emergency line for our clinic and after talking with the nurse they decided to have me come in. I saw them Monday morning and by that point it was almost unbearable, they took one look at me and brought me in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that fluid was built up in my abdominal cavity so they decided to do a tap. They drained 2 liters of fluid from my body and it felt so much better. However, I woke up the next morning and the fluid had come back. I was put on a strict OHSS diet of salt and protein to help combat the fluid loss from my circulatory system. I had to eat 6 eggs a day and I wasn’t allowed to drink any water, I was only allowed 1 liter of Gatorade per day. They monitored me closely via ultrasound and blood work daily. Thankfully, unless you get pregnant OHSS will go away on its own fairly quickly and because we didn’t transfer I’m almost better. It was a rough week though, and after what I went through I’m not sure I’ll want to do IVF again. I’m hoping that one of our 4 frost babies works out for us!

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That picture I took the morning after they drained me, I was so uncomfortable. I can’t believe my stomach swelled up that bad.

I’m waiting for my period to start, I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted one this bad before. Once it does I can begin taking the birth control pill for one month to calm my hormones down. When I stop and get a period we will begin to prep my body for transfer with estrogen and progesterone. As of now we have our transfer scheduled for sometime in mid October. I’m keeping everything crossed that this runs smoothly and I can post a positive pregnancy test by Halloween!

-Jenny

Retrieval

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I had my egg retrieval yesterday. I thought I’d be able to update afterwards, but could hardly use my phone to text, let alone write a blog post. It was a really strange experience. The medication they give you is strong, like blabbering about how you are a sea turtle a bunch of times to the doctor strong. I remember bits and pieces, but it’s all a blur. Craig said I was in pain, but I don’t remember much so that’s good. They were able to collect 27 eggs total! That’s huge!

They called me today to tell me how fertilization went. Of those 27, one was a dud so that left us with 26 eggs. We did 13 standard IVF and 13 ICSI. 10 standard and 12 ICSI fertilized, so that leaves us with 22 fertilized eggs, I’m very happy with that number. They said to expect some to drop off each day, but even then we should be in good shape. I’ll be happy if I have 5-7 blasts to freeze.

I’m in a moderate amount of pain right now. I feel crampy, bloated, and still a bit groggy. I’ll most likely spend most of today either in bed or on the couch. Yesterday all I did was sleep afterwards, I only got up to eat and pee. I’m going to try and take each day as it comes, and use my daily updates on our little turtles to help push through my discomfort.

It’s so crazy to think that our future children might have been conceived yesterday.

-Jenny